Ways To Kill Barney
I had to edit this one as several
were extremely gruesome.....(yes much worse than the ones here)
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Make him watch his own show.
Move every third molecule 3 feet to the
left until he closely resembles Picasso's "Guernica".
Donate his body to science...early.
Well, just call my cousins Guido and Vinnie
and tell them that you kinda placed $200 in a bag under the rock in the
park.... mention the fact that you would love
to have Barney's knee-caps as conversation pieces.
Have him magically turn the classroom
into a vacuum ... watch his body explode.
Strip off his flesh, bury the bones in
your back yard, and then dig them up, a piece at a time, selling them to
your nearest natural history museum. A complete dinosaur skeleton would
be worth a fortune! Death to Barney for fun AND profit!
Make him a referee in an NHL game.
Dip him in tar (anything sticky will do),
cover him with hundred-dollar bills and throw him into a pit full of lawyers...
Bury all but his head in an anthill. Cover
with honey.
Use him for testing Ginsu knives with
Mrs. Bobbitt helping out.
Get him to neuter a Pit-Bull Terrier without
anaesthetic.
Plutonium enema.
Send him to Miami in a rented car.
Move the set of the show to an actual
inner-city classroom.
Let him take a New York Subway at night.
Make him hug Madonna. (When she's wearing
her pointy bra)
Tie him up like a piñata and have
small Mexican children beat him to death.
Note:
You can actually get piñatas that look like Barney at Toys R Us
Tie him down in a chair and force him
to listen to country music, until even *HE* goes insane with all the sap!
100 cans of JOLT and a titanium steel
vault.
Send him to a country western bar and
let him play heavy metal. (reversible)
Make him run UNIX on a Tandy Colour Computer
3. (128k total)
Inject him with all the chemicals that
go into Hostess Twinkies.
Barney meets the Terminator. "Hasta la
vista...BARNEY!".
Sucked into a turbo-prop engine (a jet
would be more fun. 'after burners?')
Acupuncture with a nail gun
OOPS! Barney shouldn't have soldered that
propane tank while full.
Bent, folded and mutilated by the post
office. (would be worse if you didn't write "fragile" on the label)
Put him in an old Star Trek episode, in
a RED SHIRT.
Send him to Montreal wearing a Toronto
Maple Leafs jersey.
Send him to Cuba with a T-shirt saying
"Fidel Sucks"
Strap him to the back of a Ford Pinto,
then rear-end it into the side of a GMC truck.
Shove his head in a floppy drive, then
type "format a:".
And my favourite....
Nitroglycerine suppository
~*~ back
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© Ozq 2001