Cats Are From Outer Space
Have you ever suspected that your cat
may be from another planet?
Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat standing on top of you,
peering into your face, as if poised to perform some diabolical extraterrestrial
experiment?
When you feed your cat, does he or she look up at you sceptically as if to say,
"My rations in the space pod were much better than this." If so, your cat may be
from outer space....
Many people live with cats from outer space. They may not realize it for years.
Then one day, they're reading the Weekly World News and they notice that the
pictured space aliens bear remarkable similarity to the moony-eyed, pot-bellied
feline enigma crunched on their lap.
Reading further, they begin to suspect that their own cat may be involved in the
alien abductions. They consider bringing it up with the cat, but fear that they
themselves may end up rocketing across the galaxy on a spaceship full of cats,
an empty bag of kibble stuffed in their mouth.
How to Tell If Your Cat Is from Outer Space
If you suspect that your cat may be from another planet, ask yourself these
questions:
- Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat fighting with
extraterrestrial beings from another dimension that no one but the cat can see?
- Does your cat often simulate life in an anti-gravity environment by rolling on
his back to look at you upside down, or stretch into peculiar ballet positions
in your arms? Does your cat pretzel into strange sleeping postures that suggest
she has undergone extensive astronaut training?
- Does your cat try to communicate with extra terrestrials by meowing at the TV,
sitting on short-wave radios, lying on the computer monitor, or in any way
attempting to serve as an antenna for a piece of consumer electronics?
- Does your cat stare at walls for hours as if receiving radio messages from the
mother ship through the plasterboard?
- Does yo ur cat respond to the phrase "Beam me up!"
- Does your cat respond to anything in Klingon?
- Does your cat meticulously push the sand around in her litter box so that it
looks crater-pocked like the lunar surface?
- Does your cat's style of communicating with your computer seem more advanced
than your own? For instance, does the cat sit on the monitor and look at it
upside-down, or lay on the keyboard until the computer won't stop beeping?
- Does your cat seem more intelligent than you are sometimes-- and superior to
you as well?
If you've answered "yes" to any of the above, your cat may be a visitor on
earth, sneakily gathering reconnaissance information to aid his race in their
plan to conquer human civilization and blanket the earth with carpet-covered
kitty condos. Whatever you do, don't give him directions to the carpet store.
What Cats from Outer Space Look Like
Cats from outer space look very much like ordinary cats. They have four feet, a
tail, whiskers, ears that swivel side to side to pick up sounds from deep space,
and eyes that look at you as if they can't believe how dumb you are. In
addition, they are remarkably adept at getting you to do things that you
wouldn't ordinarily do: like pulling yourself out of bed at 3 a.m. to freshen
the bowl of liver bits, or opening the back door a dozen times in less than an
hour to let the cat in and out.
What to Feed Cats from Outer Space
Nothing that you feed your cat from outer space will be as good as what they ate
on their home planet--and they will remind you of this frequently. So don't even
try to placate them.
Special Care Tips for Cats from Other Planets
Remember that sometimes your cat will slip into an alternate universe in which
he will confuse you for a giant spaceship vending machine--one that he needs
merely to stand in front of meowing in order to elicit bowls of tuna and bits of
cheese. Depending upon what corner of the galaxy your cat harkens from, he may
confuse you for a robot instead--one that he must repeatedly trip in order to
procure treats and transport from.
How Cats from Outer Space Differ from Cats Who've Been
Abducted by Aliens
Finally, you should not confuse cats from outer space with those who've been
abducted by aliens. While the two kinds of cats are similar in many ways, cats
who've been abducted by aliens like to run through the house crazily at night,
jumping over furniture and scooting behind potted plants, re-enacting their
escape from green men in saucer-shaped ships.
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©Ozq
2001