Women Speak in Estrogen
Men Listen in Testosterone
by Matt Groening
(the guy who does "The Simpsons")
RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will
cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem
titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting
go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning,
he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life,
and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.
But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known
as the "I Hate You I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have
made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses
to help men get over this need.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay.
Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most
17-year old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why
high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures
of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures
of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of
art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the
light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most
naked men, however, elicit laughter from women.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom-a
toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical
woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most
of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she
needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in
his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He
buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less
lane.
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women
aren't looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about
her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and
romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes
and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short
people living in the house.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping,
water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get
the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings,
funerals.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing
he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago,
before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will
wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain
of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful
women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of
old American sitcoms.
EATING OUT:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob,
and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though the total is only $22.50.
None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they
want change back.
When the girls get their check,
out come the pocket calculators.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes
through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological
changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform
reaction-he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving
gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is
sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds
them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married
women.
MADONNA:
Same as above, but reversed.
TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then
when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession
with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and
silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs, car
phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots
that serve cocktails on command, video games, and anything that blinks,
beeps and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three
things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't
know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate
stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker:
sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
technical, and they never lie.
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring
and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer
named Ramone.
TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go
out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when
a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them
is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole
time.
Men on a boy's night out say about twenty
words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got anymore
beer?"
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological
reasons.
Women use restrooms as social lounges.
Men in a restrooms will never speak a
word to each other.
Women who've never met will leave a restroom
giggling together like old friends.
And never in the history of the world
has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom,
I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
~*~ back
~*~
© Ozq 2001