Flying High
Occasionally, airline attendants make
an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements
a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard
or reported:
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"We do feature a smoking section on this
flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will
escort you to the wing of the airplane.
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited.
Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the
plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising
altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free
to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...
it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight
pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying
XYZ Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another
airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning
to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced
on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system
that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in
their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the
gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
As the plane landed and was coming to
a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant announced: "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss
of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees
with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than XYZ
Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation,
and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot
said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the
seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there
and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen
masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your
own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure
to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome
message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
Heard just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on a flight into Amarillo, Texas,
on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome
to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while
the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on
a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."
He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am,"
said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or
were we shot down?"
After a real bumpy landing in Phoenix,
the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain
in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft
to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you
can pick your way through the emergency vehicles to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time
you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at XYZ Airways."
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© Ozq 2001