Jokes About Men
What did God say after creating man?
I
can do better.
Why do men have holes in the end of their
penises?
So
oxygen can get into their brains
Why do men like love at first sight?
It
saves them a lot of time.
Why do men pay more than women for car
insurance?
Because
women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In
real life, men aren't as affectionate out of bed.
Why do men prefer blondes?
Men
always like intellectual company of their own level.
What should you give a man who has everything?
Penicillin
Why do black widow spiders kill their
males after mating?
To
stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right
after they're born?
To
knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base
of the penis called?
The
man.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because
so many men fake foreplay.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men
than for women?
When
it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million
dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I
pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out
of the house by the time I get home."
What's a man's definition of a romantic
evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about
a candlelight dinner?
When the
power goes off.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and
a toilet have in common?
Men
always miss them.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All
he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different
from going to the circus?
At
the circus the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no
intention of marrying?
The
same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're
hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
What's the difference between a new husband
and a new dog?
A
dog only takes a couple of months to train
Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't
get that dumb in just one lifetime.
Nobody can call him a quitter.
He always
gets fired.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father
left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love
you no matter who left you the money.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap
opera?
Just
when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because
we'd only have to pay her half as much.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So
men can remember them.
What does a man call true love?
An erection.
Why is a man like a moped?
They're
both fun to ride until your friends see you with one.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
How are men and parking spots alike?
The
good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely
small.
What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting
his leg so you can vacuum.
How do men define insomnia?
Waking
up every few days.
What is the difference between a man and
E.T.?
E.T.
phoned home.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment,
and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck
in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to
have sex on the second date?
Slow.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They
can't stand criticism.
What's the quickest way to lose 180 pounds
of ugly fat?
Divorce
him.
What do you have when you have two little
balls in your hand?
A
man's undivided attention.
What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A
half hour of begging.
How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's
breathing.
What's the difference between men and
government bonds?
Bonds
mature.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because
you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long
it'll stay.
What do you call an intelligent man in
America?
A
tourist.
If men got pregnant.... abortion would
be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Why are married women heavier than single
women?
Single
women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married
women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.
Why do men name their penises?
Because
they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their
decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men
that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because
they already have boyfriends.
How are men like chocolates?
They never
last long enough and they always leave stains whenever they get hot.
Did you hear about the man who won the
gold medal at the Olympics?
He
had it bronzed.
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He
eats beans for dinner.
Why do men like masturbation?
Its
sex with someone they love.
What is gross stupidity?
144
men in one room.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra;
you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What do you do if your best friend runs
off with your husband?
Miss her.
How does a man drunk save a woman from
being attacked on the street at night?
He controls
himself.
What's the difference between a porcupine
and a Corvette?
The
porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three.
One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A
padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy"
and "Filthy but Wearable".
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put
a $4000 stereo in it.
Why did God create man?
Because
a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why does the stupid man put ice in his
condom?
To
keep the swelling down.
The trouble with some women is that they
get all excited about nothing - and then marry him.
How does a man have the power to make
a woman happy?
By remaining
a bachelor.
Why do men have a spine?
If they
didn't, they'd suck their dicks all day long.
Men's brains are like the prison system:
not enough cells per man
On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows
me everywhere'
Written
just below it: 'I do not'
I only wanted to have a child, not marry
one.
Why do angry males act like such morons?
Who says
they're acting?
Why are men so happy?
Because
ignorance is bliss.
Men get laid. Women get screwed.
What did the elephant say to the naked
man?
It's cute
but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Why is it the only time a man is smart
is when he is having sex?
Because
he is plugged into a woman!
Men approve of premarital sex until daughters
are born.
Men do come with instructions, they're
just written in pig latin.
Why did Moses wander the desert for forty
years?
He wouldn't
ask for directions
And last but not least....
Why do most men prefer looks to brains?
Because
most men see better than they think.
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~*~
© Ozq 2001