©Ozq
2001
(Note: It am not biased - I'm an
equal opportunity offender)
Q:
How
many country and western / southern gospel singers does it take to change a
light bulb ?
A: Five ... one to change the light bulb and a
quartet to sing about how sad they are about the old one dying and leaving them.
Q: How many New Age gurus does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: none - change must come from within.
Q: How many Methodists does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright,
dull, or completely out, you are loved -- you can be a lightbulb, turnip bulb,
or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday, August 19.
Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Q: How many
Jewish Renewal Rabbis does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Depends. One if it's an eco-kosher bulb that
isn't going to be lit by electricity from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man
and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it,
one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document
the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called "The Jew in the Lightbulb."
Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic
implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change
the lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to
change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.
Q: How many Episcopalians does it take to change
a lightbulb?
A: What? Change the lightbulb? My grandmother
donated that lightbulb!
Q: How many Existentialists does it take to
change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld
of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many Quakers does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: None. Who needs a lightbulb when you have an
inner light?
Q: How many Witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Into what?
Q: How many Southern Baptists does it take to
change a lightbulb?
A: One hundred and nine. Seven on the Lightbulb
Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the twelve on the Lightbulb Task Force,
appointed by the fifteen on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed
by the Finance Executive Committee of five, who place it on the agenda of the
eighteen-member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the
twenty-seven Member church Board, who appoint another twelve-member review
committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is
brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another
eight-member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational
Business Meeting supports the changing of a lightbulb, and the Congregation
votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the lightbulb change is passed
on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a seven-member committee to find
the best price in new lightbulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the
best buy must then be reviewed by the twenty-three-member Ethics Committee to
make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They
report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of
the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that
one more lightbulb has burned out.
Q: How many times does it take for a pastor to
change a light bulb?
A: We don't know, everyone fell asleep while he was
giving a sermon on it.
Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: None. If God wants the light bulb to be changed,
He will do it Himself.
Q: How many in the "Church of Christ" does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: Where is the scriptural authority for a light
bulb?
Q: How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to
change the bulb, and 16 million to boycott the maker of the old bulb for
bringing darkness into the Church.
Q: How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The old one is complete and
sufficient unto itself, and should not be changed according to the world's
whims.
Q: How many Assembly of God church members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, he already has his hands in the air.
Q: How many Lutheran Bishops does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on whether or not the light bulb is already in historic succession.
Q: How many Amish does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: What is a lightbulb?
Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nun
Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1 and 99 to cast
out the spirit of darkness!!
Q: Official United Methodist responses to the question,
"How many United methodists does it take to change
a light bulb?"
A: "Change?!?"
This Statement was issued:
"We neither affirm nor reject the use of a lightbulb.
If you have found a lightbulb helpful in your journey,
that is good. If one would wish, they could submit an
original poem or interpretive dance about their lightbulb,
or light source, or non-dark resource, for the annual
lightbulb celebration, where a variety of light bulb
traditions will be explored, including long-life,
incandescent, three-way, and tinted, all of which
are valid paths to luminescence."
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "That's ok...I can sit in the dark just fine...no need to worry about me...I
really can take of myself...I'm not trying to be a burden to you, Itzhak."
~*~ back ~*~
©Ozq
2001