If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
 
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
 
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
 
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
 
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
 
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
 
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
 
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
 
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
 
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
 
Do witches run spell checkers?
 
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
 
Dain bramaged.
 
Department of Redundancy Department
 
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
 
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
 
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
 
Worry, God knows all about you.
 
Jesus is coming, look busy!
 
Jesus loves you! (everyone else thinks you're an asshole!)
 
JESUS SAVES... But Gretzky gets the rebound, he shoots, he SCORES!!
 
I've found Jesus... He's in my trunk
 
Suicide is a way of telling God 'you can't fire me, I QUIT!'
 
I have nothing against god, it's his followers that I can't stand
 
Heaven doesn't want me, and hell is afraid I'll take over
 
Geez if you belive in honkus.
 
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
 
I FOUND JESUS...he's in the truck of my car...you can see him for five dollars.
 
Born again pagan.
     
God, please protect me from your followers.
 
God is living in Canada and doesn't want to get involved!
 
Do I look like a Hemroid? Then get off my ass
 
Back off - I'm a postal worker.
 
Of course you're faster, but I'm driving in front of you.
 
Now that you are on my ass you wanna get married?
 
I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it call a cop!
 
I'm not tailgaiting I'm drafting!
 
I am a slow moving disciple of the Swami Procrastinada
 
If you can read this, your to close. (Written in brail)
 
If you can read this, you're in phaser range
 
Too Close for Missiles, Switching to Guns
 
Do Not Tailgate. Or I Will Flick a Booger on Your windshield!
 
I'm not in heat SO GET OFF MY TAIL!
 
Go ahead and honk. I'm reloading.
 
This car protected by a pissed off mother with a .45 auto.
 
Hold on before you pass, I'm reloading.
 
I have PMS and a gun.....excuse me, did you have something to say?
 
Happiness is an automatic weapon with a belt feed
 
Driver carries only $20 worth of ammunition
 
I still miss my ex...but my aim is getting better!
 
This car protected by Smith & Wesson
 
Fight crime, shoot back
 
If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will accidentally shoot their children
 
Gun control means using both hands!
 
Gun control is being able to hit your target
 
Guns don't kill people, they just make it easier
 
My karma ran over your dogma.
 
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
 
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
 
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
 
Caution! Driver's applying make-up
 
CAUTION : Driver Singing
 
The kids drive me crazy, I drive them everywhere
 
Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?
 
Forget about World Peace.......Visualise using your turn signal!
 
If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt
 
Hang up and drive
 
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. . . Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
 
Evacuate the road!!! STUDENT driving!!
 
I drive this way just to piss you off.
 
Go on speeding, we'll cut you out (of your car ) -- Your Fire Dept.
 
Get in. Sit down. Shut up. Hang on.
 
Caution I swerve and hit people at random.
 
So many pedestrians, so little time.
 
Lost your cat? Look under my tires
 
<----Passing Side / Suicide---->
 
Hang up and drive
     
I wonder how you'd drive with that car phone shoved up your ass?
 
Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.
 
Welcome to Texas, now go home.
 
Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.
 
Save California; when you leave take someone with you.
 
I Cayman went.
 
Wisconsin: Smell our dairy air!
 
Welcome to Idaho. Now go back to California.
 
If Texas is so great, what are you doing in New Mexico?
 
DAMM - Drunks Against Mad Mothers
 
I may be drunk, but you are down right ugly, and I shall be sober in the morning
 
A man is not truly drunk until he can't lie on the floor without holding on
 
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
 
Don't drink and drive--if you hit a bump you spill your beer
 
If I'm driving funny its probably becuase I'm drunk.
 
Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.
 
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
 
I have a problem with drinking... two hands and only one mouth
 
Honk if you hate noise pollution
 
Clap one hand if you love Budda
 
Honk if you don't give a damn
 
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
 
Honk if you love cheeses.
 
Honk if you're illiterate
 
Honk if the twins fall out
 
Honk if parts fall off!
 
Mafia staff car.
 
My other TARDIS is a Police Box
 
My other car is a Zamboni
 
My other car is Christine, and she's right behind you!
 
My wife's other car is a broom.
 
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
 
Do Not Wash - this vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test.
 
Yah it stinks and is giving you a headache it's a diesel
 
This car is like my husband, if it ain't yours don't touch it!
 
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
 
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
 
I'm the man of this house and I have my wife's permission to say so.
 
I got this motorhome for my wife....BEST deal I ever made!
 
Love: 2 vowels, 2 consonants, 2 fools
 
Dad's the boss. Right Mommy?
 
The gene pool could use a little chlorine
 
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
 
Thank you for not breeding
 
YOU!!! Out of the gene pool
 
Learn from your parent's mistakes - use birth control
 
So many stupid people, So few comets
 
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
 
Stop Inbreeding! Ban country music.
 
When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws children will evolve.
 
A fool and his money are my best friends
 
It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
 
Change is inevitable... except for vending machines
 
Money isn't everything...but it sure keeps the kids in touch!
 
Hit me, I need money
 
Thank God for the IRS. Without them I'd be stinking rich!
 
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
 
A fool and his money are soon partying
 
If you're rich, I'm single.
 
Bright red meat is good for you. Fuzzy green meat is not good for you.
 
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter
 
There are only 2 choices on the menu: take it or leave it.
 
I didn't work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables
 
I like cats, they taste just like chicken.
 
If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
 
Cat... the other white meat.
 
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
 
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
 
Good Girls Go To Heaven, Bad Girls Go Everywhere.
 
Zero to Bitch in 4.0 Seconds
 
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
 
I'm the person your mother warned you about!
 
Men aren't pigs....pigs are gentle, cute creatures!
 
Missing, Husband And Dog; Attention $100.00 Reward For Dog
 
If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons
 
When God made man she was only kidding!
 
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
 
Normal people worry me
 
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, you're it
 
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
 
Moody bitch seeks nice guy for love-hate relationship
 
Support mental health or I'll kill you
 
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles
 
If you're happy and you know it see a shrink
 
P.M.S ?!! Hell, this is one of my better days!!
 
Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready
 
If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
 
I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
 
Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
 
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
 
My other wife is beautiful.
 
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
 
Never fight ugly people they have nothing to lose
 
Us blondes aren't bumb
 
If you think I'm a drunk driver you're wrong, I'm a blonde
 
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
 
When blondes have more fun, do the know it?
     
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
 
i souport publik edekashun
 
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
 
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
 
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
 
I is a college student.
   
My honor student fired your stupid kid
     
Take a Bite out of Crime. It tastes like Chicken.
 
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
 
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
 
Hug a Logger you will never go back to trees
 
Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD!
 
Archeologists will date any old thing
 
Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them
 
Please don't tell my Mama that I work on an oil rig... She thinks I'm a piano player in a whorehouse.
 
Give Blood Play Hockey
 
Guns don't kill people postal workers do.
 
U.S. MARINE CORPS - Everything destroyed in 30 min. or the next one's free!
 
Support a Lawyer - Become a Doctor
 
Firefighters - find them hot and leave them wet.
 
Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
 
It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
 
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
 
When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
 
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
 
Eschew obfuscation.
 
Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
 
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
 
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
 
Is there life before coffee?
 
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
 
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
 
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
 
Nuke the unborn baby whales.
 
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
 
There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
 
Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
 
If it's too loud, you're too old.
 
Wink. I'll do the rest.
 
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
 
No radio. Already stolen.
 
Exxon Suxx.
 
Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.
 
I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.
 
Pray for Whirled Peas!
 
It's not how you pick your nose, it's where you put the boogers.
 
It's not how you pick it, but where you flick it
 
They say you can't take it with you... But they also can't come and get it!
 
Humpty Dumpty was Pushed.
 
I'd rather be over the hill than under it.
 
I've run out of sick days, so I am calling in dead
 
Defecation eventuates.
 
Fleece on earth, good wool to ewe.
 
If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them
 
Nonconformists are all alike.
 
Hug your kids at home-belt them in the car!
 
Car will explode upon impact
 
Don't piss me off. i'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
 
Don't laugh at these fogged up windows it's your daughter in here
 
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit
 
Do what you did when you were a kid: fly a kite, go fishing hunt a dinosaur
 
Consciousness is that annoying time between naps
 
I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles
 
Lead me not into temptation cos I can find it myself!
 
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
 
Pride is what we have - vanity is what others have
 
We have enough youth, how about a Fountain of Smart?
 
Fundamentalism - Thr nagging fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
 
End racism...kill everyone
 
Indians discovered Columbus
 
Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups
 
If you love your life as much as I love my car then you won't steal it
 
Hire Teenagers while they still know everything!
 
Conserve Water; Shower with a friend
 
Let me tell you about my bowel movements.
 
If you are not the lead truck, the scenary never changes.
 
All generalizations are false.
 
If I roll up my windows and lock the doors, its because you smell horrible
 
Custer got Siouxed
 
Compost happens
 
Bad cop...no donut.
 
I'm pro choice, I choose to hunt, trap, eat meat and wear fur.
 
Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
 
The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.
 
Just visiting this planet
 
Next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water.
 
DAM : Mothers Against Dyslexia
 
Dyslexics of the world... UNTIE!!
 
DNA - National Dyslexics Association
 
I will never put off 'till tomorrow what I can forget about forever
 
Do Not Meddle In The Affairs Of Dragons For You Are Crunchy And Good With Ketchup.
 
Where There's A Whip, There's A Way.
 
Sorry, I just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.
 
HELP! I've tripped and I can't get down!
 
I said "no" to drugs, but they just woudn't listen.
 
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
 
One who farts in church sits in his own pew.
 
I do everything my rice krispies tell me to do
 
Earth first! We'll strip mine the other planets later!
 
Very funny Scotty, Now beam down my Clothes!!!
 
Stop continental drift!
 
I Hate Coffee--It Keeps Me Awake at Work.
 
I want to make love in the worst way--standing up in a canoe
 
There was nothing Great about the Depression.
 
Help end poverty - eat the poor
 
The more people I know, the more I love my dog.
    
The best way to change someone's mind is with a rock
 
Don't show your public hair, while in pubic.
 
Bad spellers of the world enight!
 
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
 
Hard work has a future payoff, but laziness pays off now.
 
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
 
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
 
A friend in need... can be a real pain in the ass.
 
If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first.
 
Not tonite dear, I have a modem!
 
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't
    
 
 

© Ozq 2001