Have you ever had a relationship where you seemed perfect for each other but broke up anyway? You may be a victim or perpetrator of relationship sabotage. This is when our subconscious fears start surfacing in a relationship and try to make you pull away from the other person. Usually this is because we have been hurt badly in the past and it's an old habit - a survival tactic. You may suddenly find yourself focusing only on all their bad points and ignoring their good ones, or you may want to spend time with them but find yourself putting them off without knowing why. You may act flippantly or make casual remarks that cut them down, especially in front of others. You may have a sudden desire to flee - physically or mentally - from them. There are many ways we can do it, but it's usually the same thing. Pushing your loved one away from you before you can be hurt. The "it's inevitable so I might as well hurt them before they can hurt me" defence.

If any of the above sounds familiar there's a good chance you have sabotaged a relationship or had one sabotaged. Now you know what your subconscious is doing, what can you do about it? If you're the one whose subconscious is being less than helpful for a long-term relationship, you have to be aware of what it does. What techniques does your mind use? Do you move across the country? Do you focus on some fact about them which repulses you instead of seeing all the good they do? Do you start to get vague with them? Or act differently to your normal self? Figuring out just what you do is half the battle. Remember how you do it and what signs mean you're starting the self defence process again. Once you know just how you do it, make sure you keep an eye out for those signs. Do a "me check" once a week to see if you're doing them. If not, great! If yes, however means you have to start the 'damage control' immediately. Firstly whatever you're doing to sabotage the relationship, try to do the opposite. If you're focusing on the bad points, write a list of all their good points and read it many times a day until you see what made you fall in love with them again. If you do the running away, then stop running and go to them. If you're being vague with them, sit down and ask them about their hopes and dreams and have an intimate discussion. If you've been putting them off plan a surprise picnic and give them a soppy card so they know how you feel. It will take a while for you to override what is, after all, a natural instinct to save you from more pain. But the subconscious doesn't know that maybe, this time, it will work out and the pain won't happen.
 
If your partner is the one doing the sabotaging the last thing you should do is get angry with them. Realize that it's simply an automatic reflex because off the great pain another has caused them in the past. This is doubly true if you have also caused them pain for whatever reason. Laying blame won't get you anywhere. It doesn't matter who, when or how. All that matters is right now.
 
Sit them down and have a talk. Reassure them you love them/care for them and would never do anything to hurt them. Ask them if they're happy with you. Keep everything in the present tense, as now is not the time to discuss the future. Tell them you know how the past can hurt even now and you think that maybe fear could be hurting your relationship. At all times stress your caring and understanding in a calm loving voice. No blame is to be placed or taken on. If they love you they may have no idea why they're doing what they are, or they might not even be aware that they are doing it at all. Use whatever you can to help them understand it's ok, it's an automatic reflex so they won't get hurt again. Print this article if you want. But make them realize that this behaviour will ultimately cause pain when you break up, because that's really what the reflex is designed to do - to hurt others to drive a wedge between you so that you can legitimately distance yourself from them emotionally. It needs to be dealt with, and as soon as possible. Don't treat your partner as though they are stupid for not knowing this. Just tell them you've come across this information you wish to share with them.
 
So long as you are aware of why you or your partner is acting this way, that's a major step. It can be dealt with so that your relationship is free to go as it is supposed to. There is hope for the future.

Love and Light,

Ozq
 
 

 © Susi 2001-2008